Quinn & Zac at my Dad's apartment in SF

A wonderful present

Last night I came home to a new laptop, with which I am writing this post! My old computer was slow, possibly virus ridden, and very old and being a desktop, not at all portable. I've been looking for a computer on and off for many months, but felt overwhelmed by the choices and expense. So coming home to a fast, thin, light awesome laptop with a picture of us on the desktop is like a dream come true. Thank you so much, my wonderful husband!

Life is good on the bus

Quinn's awesome school is a on a campus with lots of programs for folks with developmental disabilities. Every morning when we drop him off, vans are pulling in full of people going to day activities on the campus. As we've noted on this blog before, one thing Quinn has in common with many boy toddlers his age (we are always very happy to be "normal" - a way to bond with other parents) is his love of transportation vehicles. So when he sees the vans dropping people off, he is VERY excited.

The other day I was dropping him, which I don't usually get to do because I'm often off to work before his school begins at 9. But the other day I had the pleasure of doing the drop off. As soon as we got out of the car, one of these vans pulled up, and Quinn, absolutely delighted, made joyful utterances and started waving. On this particular day, all of the other people on the van, the adults with developmental disabilities, started waving, too.

For a moment, Quinn and these adults were looking very happy as they seemed to take one another in. And in that moment, I almost heard a voice (not really - don't worry no voice-hearing going on here) say, "Don't worry, Mom. Quinn is going to go to a campus like this one someday when he's big, and he will love it! He'll hang out with friends, swim, do art, and learn job skills. And he'll wave at cute little boys."

I have to admit, sometimes when I see the adults with developmental disabilities at this campus, I feel a pang of anxiety or grief, thinking, "Will Quinn be like that when he is grown-up?" And I know he will. I just do.

I still think he will be "like that". But for some reason on that day, I realized that is totally ok. I think he he will have an enriching, fun, happy life. It may not be the life I expected, but I think he will be absolutely fine with it, and I will be happy seeing him happy, riding the van to wherever he may be going.

The Roller Coaster Goes On

I'm feeling pretty good today, if somewhat jittery. Quinn went to sleep later last night, but still woke up at 5 am! Not fair! My cough is still here, but it doesn't hurt my pulled muscle as much. I'm still finding relatively small things kinda overwhelming.

I was very proud of the surprise I got for Sarah yesterday. I'll let her talk about it if she wants to.

Up and Down Day

Well, today started out quite good mood-wise, but later in the day either the sleep deprivation from the night before or the trip to IKEA put me in a foul mood. I'm excited about all the cool things our new house will have. But IKEA is an environment designed to make me feel helpless and furious. There are so many turns and there are no visible landmarks by which to navigate. There's something nightmarish about the place. Even when I'm not depressed, I can't handle that place for more than about 20 minutes. I do like the stuff they have. I just wish they'd make it a more pleasant environment.

I think I'm very sensitive to sleep deprivation now and if at all possible should try to take a nap on days when Quinn steals my rest.

One thing that's annoying about this depression stuff is that I'm constantly obsessing about my emotional state and not about what I'm doing. I imagine that this could get boring for my readers very quickly.

I'm supposed to stay on my current 50mg daily dose of Sertraline for another week and a half. Then I can up it to 75mg. I think I might. Right now, I'm usually "OK", but my "OK" seems very fragile. I need a more robust OK if I'm going to make enough changes to get out of this.

Eventually, of course, I want be much better than just "OK". I want to be happy. I was very happy as a child, actually. I know I can be a whole lot happier than I am now, certainly. But right now, I'm just trying to get to OK.

Back on track

I seem to have recovered somewhat my emotional equilibrium. This is a great relief. I'm not sure if it was Dungeons & Dragons night, or getting more sleep, or refraining entirely from alcohol, or just a momentary blip. I hope I don't suffer further relapses. That really sucked.

Now if I could just get rid of this post-nasal drip and cough that has been plaguing me for several weeks...

A rose for my yummy

I was over at the new house today and I brought back a rose for Sarah.
It's on her desk and I already emailed her the picture. But I thought
I'd post it here so all our readers know how much I love her.

Enchanted walks

Lately I've been enjoying some enchanted walks with Quinn. He is in love with the world, and with his relatively newfound pointing abilities and characteristically adorable "Uhhhhh!" exclamations, he encourages me to love it, too.

Trucks! Buses! Dogs! The BART Train! Flowers! Other Kids!

I'm trying to walk with him more lately. Good for my waistline and my soul.

I hope LSFX readers don't mind the change in tone between Zac's posts and mine. I'm keeping an eye on him, as best as I can.

What the hell happened?

Yesterday, it seemed like the Sertraline stopped working, and I feel like I'm swimming through lead again. I'm tired, cranky, muttering under my breath. It's like somebody turned off a switch. It sucks royally. I can barely keep up a crude semblance of normalcy.

Losing it

For some reason, tonight things are not working for me. I've been anxious since about 4pm. It's like I'm not on drugs at all. Quinn was crying and I am feeling just as frustrated, just as helpless, just as angry as before the Sertraline. I don't know what is going on. I just want him to SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.

OK, A little Facebook surfing has calmed me down. Now to try to get to sleep. I hope to God he's stopped crying.