Friday, June 26, 2009

Up and Down Day

Well, today started out quite good mood-wise, but later in the day either the sleep deprivation from the night before or the trip to IKEA put me in a foul mood. I'm excited about all the cool things our new house will have. But IKEA is an environment designed to make me feel helpless and furious. There are so many turns and there are no visible landmarks by which to navigate. There's something nightmarish about the place. Even when I'm not depressed, I can't handle that place for more than about 20 minutes. I do like the stuff they have. I just wish they'd make it a more pleasant environment.

I think I'm very sensitive to sleep deprivation now and if at all possible should try to take a nap on days when Quinn steals my rest.

One thing that's annoying about this depression stuff is that I'm constantly obsessing about my emotional state and not about what I'm doing. I imagine that this could get boring for my readers very quickly.

I'm supposed to stay on my current 50mg daily dose of Sertraline for another week and a half. Then I can up it to 75mg. I think I might. Right now, I'm usually "OK", but my "OK" seems very fragile. I need a more robust OK if I'm going to make enough changes to get out of this.

Eventually, of course, I want be much better than just "OK". I want to be happy. I was very happy as a child, actually. I know I can be a whole lot happier than I am now, certainly. But right now, I'm just trying to get to OK.


Holly's Mom said...

Zach.... Ikea is the Hell Mouth... Joel hates it and it is designed to take one at least 2 hours to get through it.. You have to let go and let it take you over, otherwise it will make you crazy. they have secret pathways to take short cuts between area's but that doesn't speed things up too much. I am glad you found some cool things for the house. . . Chin up.. Ok will come, happy will follow.. it takes time.

fragilemom said...

Don't give up. Sounds like you and Sarah have a good marriage. That means you have a great cheerleader!

fragilemom said...

You commented on my blog about the folic acid. You mentioned Dr. Hagerman. By chance, do you have her email address or a way to get hold of her? We've been wanting to consult with her about dr.'s in our area. If you have the info, please email it to me at Thanks!!!!!!

Jana Nickle said...

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...just keep swimming..
You sound like your doing better though. It will continue to get better too once the meds are in full force. Your Quinn is sooo adorable. I always look foward to seeing your pics. You have a wonderful wife too. Go see The Hangover...That will make you LOL!!!!

foodstuffs said...

IKEA makes me jitery and crank. Here is the worst part: After I get home with my 400 dollars worth of "cheap" stuff. I realise that I had this fantasy all along that all his stuff was going to solve all my problems and i will never be tired, sick, lonely or cold or scared ever again. This just gets me down. You think I would have learned by now that an organized closet only helps SOOO much.

The beige man once started screaming in IKEA, I just want a frickin' file cabinet!!!!!!

Sarah said...

foodstuffs, that is just a great comment. Thanks.

Bad Paper said...

It doesn't feel like it, but depression amps up your brain:
Unfortunately, the sleep deprivation probably counteracts that.

Zachary Drake said...

Thanks, Bad Paper. That was a very interesting article. Indeed, I am facing a number of problems that do require a deal of thought. I'm glad to hear about how depression can have a purpose. It makes the pain more meaningful.