Fingers Crossed for a Boring 2010

Happy New Year! We are pretty glad to say goodbye to 2009. It wasn't all bad, but there was way too much going on. In the 12 months of 2009:

• Zac got laid off and got depressed
• I left one job and started another
• Quinn changed schools twice (one school closed, he "aged out" of the second school by turning three, and he began school district preschool)
• Quinn transitioned from "early intervention" to "status 2" services through the regional center
• In the regional center and school transitions, we had to changes social workers, occupational therapists, speech therapists, and physical therapists
• We bought a house, remodeled it (with two contractors because we had to fire the first one), and moved into it. We lived with the remodeling for some time, including periods of having no kitchen, no furnace, unreliable electricity, and people and noise in our house for months.

Of course this is an incomplete list. We are so grateful to our friends and family for supporting us through all of this. We know we owe you! Adieu, 2009. May 2010 be totally uneventful!

Random observations from 4th day on Sertraline

Update day 5: I need to be very careful when consuming large amounts of sugar. Just had a small hot fudge sundae and I'm crashing very hard.

• I have spent much of my life being extremely anxious about things, and second guessing myself and being wracked with paralysis and indecision. It is very odd to have such feelings dramatically decrease simply because I'm taking half of a very small pill once a day. I didn't realize how much mental energy I was spending on these thoughts until I stopped having them.
• It really amazes me how small the pills are. And I only take half. It's much smaller than an aspirin or Tylenol or Advil. But the effect is much more profound.
• I'm shocked at how cheap it was, compared to the effect it has. I paid a $15 co-pay to visit the doctor, and paid a $5 co-pay to the pharmacy for a generic drug. It's weird to knock yourself out of a real depression with something so cheap. A single D&D book costs more. There are bars/restaurants I go to where I'd barely be able to get drunk for $20 once you added tax & tip. And I get drunk easily.
  
• I can't believe this stuff is legal and pot isn't.
• I hope to use the relief this is providing to reorganize our life so that the causes of my depression are removed. A big step: We've been authorized by Quinn's doctor to use 5mL of Benadryl to help him sleep if he wakes up. And it worked on him the one time we used it. Alleluia. Now to get more work...
• I'm on drugs!
• I'm fascinated by my own mental states, how they're different, and how I react to things. I'm constantly making comments about how I'm reacting differently, of how things feel different in my new state. I imagine it might get tiresome soon. I was like this the one time I really got high on pot. I never did most drugs, and it's rare that I get drunk. So it's very unusual for me to be in an altered state of consciousness.
• I still would rather play on the Internet than do work, chores, or unpleasant tasks.
• I have not become an uber-super-being. The somewhat manic rush I had after the first day has worn off.
  
• I still need to sleep the same amount.

Uhhh......I'm on drugs but now its different

Earlier today from Facebook:

just learned that a small number of people get a big rush from SSRIs right away. I think I'm one of them. So maybe it's not all in my head! Whee! I've had no caffine today but I'm more hyper than when I did! Of course, hyper for me might be normal for you.

Right now, I seem to be crashing. Maybe I'm just more sensitive to sleep deprivation now? Want nap nap nap, but Quinn, possibly because he woke up so late because he was up in the night (again), isn't napping. Speech therapy in 30-40 min here at home. Must rest rest rest...

Got permission from doctor to try Benadryl for sleepless Quinn. Hope it helps.

I'm still on drugs

OK, I'm going to have to write more about this experience later. It's been about 14 hours and I'm still feeling it. Maybe I'm imagining things or maybe I'm super-sensitive to this stuff.

Should I really be blogging all this? It is by far the most interesting experience I've had in a while.

Feelin' OK.

Let's see if that wakefulness side effect will happen to me...

A Theory on how Sertraline works

Sertraline makes you hyper, lowers the anxiety that you'll mess something up, and makes everything equally interesting so you figure you might as well do the interesting to-do item because it's just as interesting as the other interesting things you might otherwise do. Whee!

UPDATE: I'm feeling more normal now. The tingle is still there, but I have less urge to type "Whee!".

I'm on drugs!

Well. I'm feeling quite a bit different today. I started feeling better last night while playing D&D minis. At first it was very bad. I was in Games of Berkeley, staring at the new minis that had come in, and thinking "This won't give me any pleasure. I might as well not buy them." But then I thought I'd feel stupid hanging out with everyone who was enjoying the new minis if I didn't have any of my own. So I bought some and played a game. I lost, but it was a good game and it got me feeling normal, like myself again. I also had a good conversation with my friend Paul, who was kind enough to check up on me after reading my "blanket of lead" post.

This morning Quinn is going back to school, having recovered sufficiently from his eye boogers (with the help of antibiotic drops) that he should no longer be eye booger contagious. I also took my first half dose (25 mg) of Sertraline, the generic version of Zoloft, this morning. (Holy fucking shit: in 2007, almost 30 million people in the United States were on this drug. That's like 10% of the country.) It may be all in my head, but I'm definitely feeling some effects: there's an overall hyperness and jitteryness (it could be the cup of coffee), a lack of introspection, some slight tingling on the pinky side of my right hand. Rather weird, I must say. I'm certainly not feeling like a blanket of lead or frustrated, which is nice. But I don't think my writing is as good, either. I have the urge to write very simple, straightforward, declarative sentences, devoid of poetic ornamentation. Of course, maybe that will make my writing better.

Not looking forward to the possible negative sexual side effects, but depression has definite negative sexual side effects so I guess that's a risk I'm willing to take. I'm utterly convinced that that previous sentence would have been written better were I not on this drug. This is very strange: it feels like my Internal Monologue is queiter, that I'm more directly connected to the outside world. It feels like I'm out of my head a bit, which is very unusual for me.

Well, the whole point of this is to be able to get more work done, so off I go...

Blanket o' Lead

It seems my rage and anxiety over Quinn's cold and the amount of time I have to spend caring for him has given way to a dull, gray, dead feeling. It's like a blanket of lead has fallen over everything. Quinn wont be able to go to school tomorrow. He's got boogers coming out of his eyes and needs antibiotic drops for 24 hours before he can go back. I'll have to spend most of another day taking care of him. I'm not pissed. I'm just sort of reacting like how I imagine a stupid cow might react: Slowly, not really caring much about anything. It's sort of a hopeless, resigned feeling. Like my body is going into autopilot or semi-hibernation until this shit is over. (But when will that be? Never.) I can feel my reaction time blunting: when my senses receive a new stimulus, my first reaction isn't "What was that?" but more "Oh God, should I even bother?" This really isn't like me. I can still "pass", and with effort carry on phone conversations, do uncomplicated household tasks, do all the Quinn stuff, and fulfill the daily routines of life. But it sort of feels like I'm operating myself by remote control. And that I'm not a particularly fun toy to operate. Again, feelings do come through. But they're strangely muted. It's just too much effort to get worked up about anything.

I'm seeing a doctor tomorrow morning. Or rather, a physician's assistant. Let's see what modern pharmacology has to offer.