Monday, June 1, 2009

Blanket o' Lead

It seems my rage and anxiety over Quinn's cold and the amount of time I have to spend caring for him has given way to a dull, gray, dead feeling. It's like a blanket of lead has fallen over everything. Quinn wont be able to go to school tomorrow. He's got boogers coming out of his eyes and needs antibiotic drops for 24 hours before he can go back. I'll have to spend most of another day taking care of him. I'm not pissed. I'm just sort of reacting like how I imagine a stupid cow might react: Slowly, not really caring much about anything. It's sort of a hopeless, resigned feeling. Like my body is going into autopilot or semi-hibernation until this shit is over. (But when will that be? Never.) I can feel my reaction time blunting: when my senses receive a new stimulus, my first reaction isn't "What was that?" but more "Oh God, should I even bother?" This really isn't like me. I can still "pass", and with effort carry on phone conversations, do uncomplicated household tasks, do all the Quinn stuff, and fulfill the daily routines of life. But it sort of feels like I'm operating myself by remote control. And that I'm not a particularly fun toy to operate. Again, feelings do come through. But they're strangely muted. It's just too much effort to get worked up about anything.

I'm seeing a doctor tomorrow morning. Or rather, a physician's assistant. Let's see what modern pharmacology has to offer.


Holly's Mom said...

I am sorry that Quinn being sick has been so hard on you, I am sure he is pretty miserable too, as it sounds like he loves school and thrives in his environment. I hope he won't be out for too long and will get better soon.

I understand how when dealing with something that you have no power over you, a resigned feeling settles in and the powerlessness can overtake you.

Holly has had a cough for a month, and wakes up every night from the cough, and then pukes because of her gag reflex. It's been a month since she has slept through the night, and we are getting that not enough rest resigned feeling of acceptance.

Although last night she was on Codeine for an injury and slept, and the Doctor said I can give her benedryl, so perhaps there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

This too shall pass, and Quinn will be better before you know it. I hope you are taking care of yourself too, it sounds like you are in a dark place.

Jana Nickle said...

Going to the doctor is a huge, brave step. But its a step in the right direction. You and Quinn will be feeling better real soon!!! Keep your head up.

Bjetsey said...

being depressed is no walk in the park. or it is, but you don't give a crap? anyway, I'm sorry that you're feeling so horrible. I hope that things brighten for you, either naturally or through the natural effects of lovely pills.

I hesitate to put this forward, since I am a semi-outsider here, but are there any support groups that you might be able to join? I know you guys started a group, but not sure what place it occupies in your life. We have a friend with twin girls with autism, and she seems to derive a huge amt of emotional support from her local autism support center.