Saturday, June 6, 2009

Random observations from 4th day on Sertraline

Update day 5: I need to be very careful when consuming large amounts of sugar. Just had a small hot fudge sundae and I'm crashing very hard.
  • I have spent much of my life being extremely anxious about things, and second guessing myself and being wracked with paralysis and indecision. It is very odd to have such feelings dramatically decrease simply because I'm taking half of a very small pill once a day. I didn't realize how much mental energy I was spending on these thoughts until I stopped having them.
  • It really amazes me how small the pills are. And I only take half. It's much smaller than an aspirin or Tylenol or Advil. But the effect is much more profound.
  • I'm shocked at how cheap it was, compared to the effect it has. I paid a $15 co-pay to visit the doctor, and paid a $5 co-pay to the pharmacy for a generic drug. It's weird to knock yourself out of a real depression with something so cheap. A single D&D book costs more. There are bars/restaurants I go to where I'd barely be able to get drunk for $20 once you added tax & tip. And I get drunk easily.
  • I can't believe this stuff is legal and pot isn't.
  • I hope to use the relief this is providing to reorganize our life so that the causes of my depression are removed. A big step: We've been authorized by Quinn's doctor to use 5mL of Benadryl to help him sleep if he wakes up. And it worked on him the one time we used it. Alleluia. Now to get more work...
  • I'm on drugs!
  • I'm fascinated by my own mental states, how they're different, and how I react to things. I'm constantly making comments about how I'm reacting differently, of how things feel different in my new state. I imagine it might get tiresome soon. I was like this the one time I really got high on pot. I never did most drugs, and it's rare that I get drunk. So it's very unusual for me to be in an altered state of consciousness.
  • I still would rather play on the Internet than do work, chores, or unpleasant tasks.
  • I have not become an uber-super-being. The somewhat manic rush I had after the first day has worn off.
  • I still need to sleep the same amount.


the other lion said...

This is fascinating to read. When I look back on my college journal from when I first went on meds, I had much the same reaction. I typed, in very large letters, "Is this how other people feel all the time? WOW."

ai-meilian said...

Looks like I'm going to have to bookmark and/or RSS this blog of yours too :)

Sorry to hear you've been depressed; glad to hear you've gotten help, even more glad to hear it's working so far, and absolutely delighted to hear you want to use it as a tool to dig to the roots of the problem rather than just as a palliative to smoothe them over. That last is very important, as I speak from experience: drugs can lose their effectiveness over time, and eventually you *may* need to decide whether to switch to something else or stop completely.

Feel free to chat me up some time if you want to talk to a former druggie ;) In the words of Buddy, "I'm feeling MUCH better now!"

Anonymous said...

You are very brave and generous to share your experiences with others. I too am a parent of a cognitively disabled son (not fragile X) who is a little older than yours. I too have had depression. Meds didn't help at all in my case. Glad to hear they are working for you.
So I have begun to follow your blog with great interest. It's also interesting to read feedback from others, e.g. the insights from ai-meilian.

Anonymous said...

I have spent the past ten years trying to figure out good add drugs. And i think I have stumbled onto an answer.

And it amazes me still how the whole thing goes, it's hard to watch your brain for signs of change. It's so wacky. Also how amazing that something I have been struggling with and am constantly frustrated by can be cured by a TINY white pill.